What emotions does the word “change” inspire in you? For most of my career, the word, the concept and the reality were thrilling, a promise of a new beginning leading to a bright destination. It was innate drive and also pretty darn American of me—our culture is built on the allure of the new. It was nothing short of exhilarating to have a career in journalism where I needed to become an instant subject matter “expert” practically every day—and then write lucidly about what I learned. It was thrilling to jump out of that boat more than a decade later and dive into another career as a human resources professional. That change called for scaling a vertical learning curve and the decision to pick up a master’s degree in the process. I’ve always been the girl who’s all about what’s next.
But that’s changing. Now, at mid-career and midlife, the career decisions that felt like great adventures have taken on nuance and challenge that are unprecedented. The stakes feel higher; decisions carry more weight; and frankly, there’s just less time to fix mistakes (if you believe in mistakes). The questions: What have I accomplished so far, and what will be my legacy, loom large.
The zeitgeist is spinning, too, changing so fast that most of us are trying to keep up with something—new technology; the tough economy; whether to “lean in” or opt out; figuring out what our work means to us and to the world, even as the world itself changes along with our priorities. This week New York magazine published a provocative story called “The Retro Wife" about the apparently emerging trend of young women with feminist leanings choosing to stay home with their children rather than participate in the workforce—which is just a reminder that change doesn’t always point forward.
And yet. Maybe these new retro wives are onto something. Not necessarily about turning away from work, but turning towards relationships, which can be genuinely fulfilling. Business isn’t designed to make any individual happy. We’ve taken Economics 101 and yet we fall into the work-as-identity trap anyway. Put all your eggs in that basket (metaphor intended) at your own risk. Erin Callan, the former CFO of Lehman Brothers, recently wrote an almost mournful meditation in The New York Times about the personal cost of her ambition in the wake of the 2008 economic collapse and bankruptcy of her company. “Inevitably, when I left my job, it devastated me,” she wrote. “I couldn’t just rally and move on. I did not know how to value who I was versus what I did. What I did was who I was.” Her essay is brave, moving and thought provoking, even if you’re not inclined to feel too sorry for her.
Personally, I was always suspicious of having it all, whatever it all is. I’m grateful for whatever share I can get. Can all this cultural and economic tumult actually be beneficial in helping us refine our personal values? It’s done that for me. With all due respect to the brave and necessary alpha girls of the world, if I must choose, these days I’m putting my money on life in the work/life balance equation, even as I respect other viewpoints and choices. I’m betting on relationships, and people, and love. As it happens, that can also be a recipe for success in business.
But in the end, this isn’t a prescription, just a personal epiphany. Every woman deserves the space, time, and respect to figure “it all” out for herself.
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