What emotions does the word “change” inspire in you? For most of my career, the word, the concept and the reality were thrilling, a promise of a new beginning leading to a bright destination. It was innate drive and also pretty darn American of me—our culture is built on the allure of the new. It was nothing short of exhilarating to have a career in journalism where I needed to become an instant subject matter “expert” practically every day—and then write lucidly about what I learned. It was thrilling to jump out of that boat more than a decade later and dive into another career as a human resources professional. That change called for scaling a vertical learning curve and the decision to pick up a master’s degree in the process. I’ve always been the girl who’s all about what’s next.
But that’s changing. Now, at mid-career and midlife, the career decisions that felt like great adventures have taken on nuance and challenge that are unprecedented. The stakes feel higher; decisions carry more weight; and frankly, there’s just less time to fix mistakes (if you believe in mistakes). The questions: What have I accomplished so far, and what will be my legacy, loom large.
The zeitgeist is spinning, too, changing so fast that most of us are trying to keep up with something—new technology; the tough economy; whether to “lean in” or opt out; figuring out what our work means to us and to the world, even as the world itself changes along with our priorities. This week New York magazine published a provocative story called “The Retro Wife" about the apparently emerging trend of young women with feminist leanings choosing to stay home with their children rather than participate in the workforce—which is just a reminder that change doesn’t always point forward.
And yet. Maybe these new retro wives are onto something. Not necessarily about turning away from work, but turning towards relationships, which can be genuinely fulfilling. Business isn’t designed to make any individual happy. We’ve taken Economics 101 and yet we fall into the work-as-identity trap anyway. Put all your eggs in that basket (metaphor intended) at your own risk. Erin Callan, the former CFO of Lehman Brothers, recently wrote an almost mournful meditation in The New York Times about the personal cost of her ambition in the wake of the 2008 economic collapse and bankruptcy of her company. “Inevitably, when I left my job, it devastated me,” she wrote. “I couldn’t just rally and move on. I did not know how to value who I was versus what I did. What I did was who I was.” Her essay is brave, moving and thought provoking, even if you’re not inclined to feel too sorry for her.
Personally, I was always suspicious of having it all, whatever it all is. I’m grateful for whatever share I can get. Can all this cultural and economic tumult actually be beneficial in helping us refine our personal values? It’s done that for me. With all due respect to the brave and necessary alpha girls of the world, if I must choose, these days I’m putting my money on life in the work/life balance equation, even as I respect other viewpoints and choices. I’m betting on relationships, and people, and love. As it happens, that can also be a recipe for success in business.
But in the end, this isn’t a prescription, just a personal epiphany. Every woman deserves the space, time, and respect to figure “it all” out for herself.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Friday, November 30, 2012
Reflections on Yes
Yesterday was a gloriously sunny, late-Autumn day in Brooklyn. Feeling restless after lunchtime, I bundled up and decided to walk wherever my legs and intuition wanted to go. A good, long walk is always a mobile prayer and moving meditation for me. Problems get solved, questions answered, or at the very least, my mood lightens. The buildings, people, creatures and every other sensory stimulus come alive as an affirmation of life, expanding my sense of community and communion. On any given walk, I can dispense directions, smiles, greetings, and often receive the same right back. Sighting a friendly dog—particularly a Golden Retriever or a Norwegian Elkhound (like my beloved childhood pet, Eureka) is a special bonus. I see birds that are a just a tiny bit unusual in urban life, such as blue jays, mourning doves, robins, and once, in the Brooklyn Botanic Garden, an egret that swooped from the sky, dove into a pond, grabbed a small fish and then ate its snack standing on a rock as we all applauded. Bookstores, tiny children, chatty shopkeepers I’ve known for years, raucous teenagers just out of school for the day, crowded cafes full of freelancers writing on computers—each sight is a joy, an ordinary and extraordinary fact of neighborhood life.
Each walk also always includes a surprise, or something that lingers in my mind long after I’ve returned home, and yesterday’s amble was no exception: It was simple, a single word, painted in light blue on a residential gate, with a curved arrow pointing upwards towards it.
The word was “Yes.”
This being a career-related blog, I contemplated what I could share with readers about the word “yes” and how it relates to our work lives. Here are a few thoughts:
• What “heart” risks have you been avoiding? A heart risk is my phrase for something you really want to do that feels scary. For me, that’s blogging and writing from a personal point of view. Each post I write feels like laying myself bare. But vulnerability can be a powerful way of saying yes to life. If this topic interests you, join me in reading Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead by Brené Brown (Gotham, 2012). (I may come back and write more on vulnerability once I’ve finished the book).
• In what part of your career would saying “yes” be a radical change? Maybe you never return that headhunter’s call; or you deflected another opportunity for a promotion because you’re comfortable in your current job; or maybe you’re resisting turning your annual holiday-gift knitting into a business. If “no” has become a habit for you in a certain area, is it time to change your mind?
• What do you need to simply accept? “Yes” is also a form of surrender to the truth, and to the present moment. Is there anything in your career or work life that is crying out for your attention and affirmation?
Just for today, if “yes” is the answer, what are your questions?
Each walk also always includes a surprise, or something that lingers in my mind long after I’ve returned home, and yesterday’s amble was no exception: It was simple, a single word, painted in light blue on a residential gate, with a curved arrow pointing upwards towards it.
The word was “Yes.”
This being a career-related blog, I contemplated what I could share with readers about the word “yes” and how it relates to our work lives. Here are a few thoughts:
• What “heart” risks have you been avoiding? A heart risk is my phrase for something you really want to do that feels scary. For me, that’s blogging and writing from a personal point of view. Each post I write feels like laying myself bare. But vulnerability can be a powerful way of saying yes to life. If this topic interests you, join me in reading Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead by Brené Brown (Gotham, 2012). (I may come back and write more on vulnerability once I’ve finished the book).
• In what part of your career would saying “yes” be a radical change? Maybe you never return that headhunter’s call; or you deflected another opportunity for a promotion because you’re comfortable in your current job; or maybe you’re resisting turning your annual holiday-gift knitting into a business. If “no” has become a habit for you in a certain area, is it time to change your mind?
• What do you need to simply accept? “Yes” is also a form of surrender to the truth, and to the present moment. Is there anything in your career or work life that is crying out for your attention and affirmation?
Just for today, if “yes” is the answer, what are your questions?
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Feeling Trapped at Work? You Are Already Free
After leaving my last full-time staff job last spring, a wonderful opportunity that ultimately wasn’t a fit, I decided to try my hand at freelancing for a while—to date without getting married so I could make smart decisions about where to cast my lot long-term. This is actually my second time at the rodeo; I freelanced for about four years a decade or so ago. That time, I had reached a point of burnout in my career and yearned for days at home, in sun-dappled brownstone Brooklyn, moving to my own rhythms and working on my own terms. As I was planning the big move, it was freedom I longed for.
So here I am in my ripped jeans, favorite gray sweatshirt, and black-rimmed glasses, sitting on the sofa, living and pondering the freelance life once again. I’m reminded, of course, of what every working freelancer knows: Freedom isn’t free, nor is it even freedom. It’s alarmingly expensive (hello, COBRA), you are never off, (the freelancer, especially the freelance writer, is often a ruminator by nature and by necessity) and you still have a boss—a lot of them (if you’re lucky), also known as your clients.
What may be most valuable about freelancing, though, is the sense of autonomy it offers—and you don’t have to quit your job to get the benefit. Simply thinking as a free agent can be an empowering mindset that anyone, regardless of job, career or level of contentment, can use to his or her advantage. Think of yourself as an entrepreneur, and you are automatically the subject of your life, rather than the object of someone else’s. Think of your employer as your client, and suddenly, a little window of gratitude opens in your soul, a sense of self-esteem that you have something marketable to offer and that someone is paying for it. Think of your current job as an assignment, and break the chains of believing that you are unable to change or leave it. Think of your unemployment as a sabbatical and it transforms into an invitation to deep reflection and exploration, with the assumption of an exciting next chapter. Think of your failures as information pointing the way forward, and you become courageous. Think of yourself as your own boss, and you become responsible.
Powerlessness is nothing but a thought that can be changed. The freelance mindset reminds us that we are already free.
So here I am in my ripped jeans, favorite gray sweatshirt, and black-rimmed glasses, sitting on the sofa, living and pondering the freelance life once again. I’m reminded, of course, of what every working freelancer knows: Freedom isn’t free, nor is it even freedom. It’s alarmingly expensive (hello, COBRA), you are never off, (the freelancer, especially the freelance writer, is often a ruminator by nature and by necessity) and you still have a boss—a lot of them (if you’re lucky), also known as your clients.
What may be most valuable about freelancing, though, is the sense of autonomy it offers—and you don’t have to quit your job to get the benefit. Simply thinking as a free agent can be an empowering mindset that anyone, regardless of job, career or level of contentment, can use to his or her advantage. Think of yourself as an entrepreneur, and you are automatically the subject of your life, rather than the object of someone else’s. Think of your employer as your client, and suddenly, a little window of gratitude opens in your soul, a sense of self-esteem that you have something marketable to offer and that someone is paying for it. Think of your current job as an assignment, and break the chains of believing that you are unable to change or leave it. Think of your unemployment as a sabbatical and it transforms into an invitation to deep reflection and exploration, with the assumption of an exciting next chapter. Think of your failures as information pointing the way forward, and you become courageous. Think of yourself as your own boss, and you become responsible.
Powerlessness is nothing but a thought that can be changed. The freelance mindset reminds us that we are already free.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Is Grad School For You? Ask Yourself These 5 Questions
Here’s a dirty little confession that no HR person should ever make: I hate feedback. I hate giving it, asking for it, hearing it, and acting grateful for it. Every day as an HR practitioner, I encouraged my company’s employees to be fearless about seeking feedback (“You must know how you are perceived, and you can’t assume!” I’d intone) while simultaneously living in fear of criticism myself. Fortunately for my perfectionist little heart (not to mention my career), that was impossible in my highly self-aware, feedback-focused HR department. And one particularly honest feedback session led to one of the best experiences of my life.
Here’s the story: I had recently completed a rotational assignment supporting a large and complex client group as their lead day-to-day HR generalist, covering for a colleague on maternity leave. For those who aren’t familiar with HR functions, that basically means I was the go-to person for any and every daily employee issue as well as larger scale projects and long-range strategy related to people management as a lever to grow business. One day I could be discussing salary adjustments; the next, attending a finance meeting to better understand the client group’s numbers and goals; the next, having painful discussions about layoffs (contrary to myth, your average HR person and line manager agonize over these decisions and are acutely aware of the fact that we’re dealing with people’s lives and livings). The role also involved referring issues that required a specialist’s input (say, from compensation or recruiting or benefits) to my colleagues.
It was a big, scary job. I broke out; dreamed about work; worried whether I was doing it well enough—and I was completely exhilarated and honored by the challenge, too. In other words, it was like everything else that’s worth anything in life—a complete rattling of the chain; an adventure trip out of the comfort zone.
After it was over, I bit the bullet and asked my supervisor how I did. Her voice was gentle and her approach very direct. I’d done a great job on the day-to-day putting-out-of-fires (no small feat), but didn’t add as much value as a long-term strategist, which is the brass ring of first-rate HR practice. She knew I had the potential, but having made a mid-career switch to HR from journalism, I didn’t have the deep experience you really need to rock a senior-level generalist role. Ouch. But then she said, “You know, if you feel like you want to stay in HR, go to grad school.”
And reader, as much as I hate feedback, that’s exactly what I did.
Best. Decision. Ever. (A side note: My former company and its HR team at that time were amazing. Class personified. If you were there, you know who you are. Thanks everyone!) OK, so anyway, grad school: great decision for me. Would it be for you, too?
To help answer that question, I picked up the phone to chat with Sara Edwards, the director of my grad school program, Cornell’s part-time School of Industrial and Labor Relations’ Master of Professional Studies Program in New York City. Before you make the leap back to the classroom, ask yourself these five questions:
What’s your endgame? “People who have the most success in our program really have done their thinking about why they want to do it,” Sara told me. In my case, I needed some HR credibility to back up my relatively few years of experience in the field. Also, I like school. Give me a teacher, a book, and a writing assignment, and I’m almost embarrassingly happy. For some folks (doctors, lawyers, or those in industries where, say, an MBA is an widespread norm to get to a particular level of practice) advanced degrees are essential. Other people really want the status (no judgment here). And we all know about the famously successful people who don’t have even an undergraduate degree. For the rest of us, graduate school is a personal call and requires clarity, because…
Are you ready to have your butt kicked? “It’s a big commitment,” my grad school friend Nicole said over dinner last night. She’s right. Even when it’s clearly the right thing to do, working and going to school at the same time is its own little circle of hell. Chances are you’ll be a better student than the last time around, but you are also an older one. If you have a family or other serious obligations, graduate school can be punishing to the point of impossibility. If, on the other hand, you’re aching for a challenge, open to thinking in a different way and engaging with new people, and have good support at home, grad school might be worth the sacrifice of time and money. Speaking of which…
Can you afford it? US News and World Report has done a lot of great work compiling data on the actual value of a graduate degree, which can help you calculate whether it’s worth the cost to you. Corporate tuition reimbursement programs may not be as generous these days, but they are worth investigating. If your company is willing to underwrite all or part of your tuition, make sure you know their policy about what, if anything, they expect in return (for example, two or three years continued service after you graduate). If that’s not an option, serious research can help (hint: if you dislike research, grad school is not for you). This article from US News and World Report is an excellent place to start.
How will your advanced degree benefit your current employer? Super important question, because it’s your manager and colleagues who will support you and pick up your slack while you duck out early for class, study surreptitiously at your desk, or recover from a weekend of problem sets and paper writing. Not only must you feel confident you can maintain your performance while you earn the degree, it also helps to be clear on what the expensive piece of paper will actually bring to the table once you have it in hand.
Where’s the love? Something about your course of study should speak to your heart. I was, and am, passionate about the workplace, how people show up there, and how organizations and individuals can best serve their own and the other’s needs. So a degree that involved hours of conversation, reading, writing and problem solving about these issues was its own kind of nirvana for me. It was the sustaining factor when the question, “Why am I doing this, again?” popped up, which was often.
My happy ending: I got promoted in the middle of my program (eventually leaving the company to consult), and even better, I met wonderful people (two of my favorites are with me in our graduation photo), got world-class training in labor and organizational relations, and a credential that can be used in several different ways. Most important, I discovered that it’s never too late to regain your sense of wonder and curiosity. All because I once dared to ask, “How did I do?” and my manager had the courage to tell me.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
5 Great Summer Career Reads
In my book, the best summer reads are like the season itself: An interplay between hot and cool; fun; relatively brief, but also offering something that lingers a bit, like the scent of sand on the skin after a long beach afternoon. These five books—all but one are memoirs—fit the bill this summer, and each left me with food for thought about right livelihood: Hard work at something you love; self-awareness; courage, and truth-telling are the common denominators.
In the interest of keeping the livin’ easy, here are my extremely short, executive-summary-esque reviews (in no particular order), plus a memorable quote from each.
1. The Boy Kings: A Journey Into the Heart of The Social Network by Katherine Losse
Review: Observant, non-tech-y girl joins geek-macho Facebook. Has some fun and some success, but never quite fits in. Quits. Writes about it, to the surprise of no one.
Memorable Quote: “Facebook’s work environment, like much of Silicon Valley, and even like the Internet itself, was always about power: about maximizing your own power while conceding as little of it to others as you could.”
2. The Receptionist: An Education at The New Yorker by Janet Groth
Review: Smart-but-insecure girl with writerly aspirations mans the reception desk at iconic magazine for 20 years, gets a front-row seat to ‘60s and ‘70s literary New York; finally finds her own voice with this memoir. A bittersweet page-turner.
Memorable Quote: “I entered the workforce before the feminist era, and as I ponder the way women in general failed to thrive in that world, how often they were used and overlooked, I recognize that I was part of a larger historical narrative.”
3. Tao Leadership: Lao Tzu's Tao Te Ching Adapted for a New Age by John Heider
Review: Simple, counterintuitive leadership at its best: To lead, you’ve got to follow. To achieve, chill out.
Memorable Quote: “Do you want to be a positive influence in the world? First, get your own life in order.”
4. Talking With My Mouth Full: My Life as a Professional Eater by Gail Simmons
Review: Memoir-cum-backstage tour by the Top Chef judge with the best shoes. She’s got a lot of grit behind the smooth exterior. Who knew?
Memorable Quote: “I, for one, have come to realize that I much prefer salty, savory foods in the morning. Runny poached eggs with spicy Sriracha, hearty grain toast and butter, avocado, smoked salmon, bacon.” (I think I chose this quote because I’m hungry).
5. Yes, Chef: A Memoir by Marcus Samuelsson
Review: A beautifully written chronicle (with amazing co-writer Veronica Chambers) of beating the odds, over and over again. Fascinating story of Samuelsson’s journey from Ethiopian poverty to New York culinary rock-stardom.
Memorable Quote: “I was never the chef at Aquavit. I was the black Swedish guy from Aquavit. What does that mean?”
In the interest of keeping the livin’ easy, here are my extremely short, executive-summary-esque reviews (in no particular order), plus a memorable quote from each.
1. The Boy Kings: A Journey Into the Heart of The Social Network by Katherine Losse
Review: Observant, non-tech-y girl joins geek-macho Facebook. Has some fun and some success, but never quite fits in. Quits. Writes about it, to the surprise of no one.
Memorable Quote: “Facebook’s work environment, like much of Silicon Valley, and even like the Internet itself, was always about power: about maximizing your own power while conceding as little of it to others as you could.”
2. The Receptionist: An Education at The New Yorker by Janet Groth
Review: Smart-but-insecure girl with writerly aspirations mans the reception desk at iconic magazine for 20 years, gets a front-row seat to ‘60s and ‘70s literary New York; finally finds her own voice with this memoir. A bittersweet page-turner.
Memorable Quote: “I entered the workforce before the feminist era, and as I ponder the way women in general failed to thrive in that world, how often they were used and overlooked, I recognize that I was part of a larger historical narrative.”
3. Tao Leadership: Lao Tzu's Tao Te Ching Adapted for a New Age by John Heider
Review: Simple, counterintuitive leadership at its best: To lead, you’ve got to follow. To achieve, chill out.
Memorable Quote: “Do you want to be a positive influence in the world? First, get your own life in order.”
4. Talking With My Mouth Full: My Life as a Professional Eater by Gail Simmons
Review: Memoir-cum-backstage tour by the Top Chef judge with the best shoes. She’s got a lot of grit behind the smooth exterior. Who knew?
Memorable Quote: “I, for one, have come to realize that I much prefer salty, savory foods in the morning. Runny poached eggs with spicy Sriracha, hearty grain toast and butter, avocado, smoked salmon, bacon.” (I think I chose this quote because I’m hungry).
5. Yes, Chef: A Memoir by Marcus Samuelsson
Review: A beautifully written chronicle (with amazing co-writer Veronica Chambers) of beating the odds, over and over again. Fascinating story of Samuelsson’s journey from Ethiopian poverty to New York culinary rock-stardom.
Memorable Quote: “I was never the chef at Aquavit. I was the black Swedish guy from Aquavit. What does that mean?”
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Five Career Survival Tips for Introverts
It’s been about a year now since I’ve come out as an introvert. It started with the surprising results of a Myers-Briggs Type Indicator test administered by my executive coach. The surprise was because I considered myself a socially brave and comfortable person who has been called “bubbly” a lot. But once the results were in, some loose puzzle pieces fell into place: Yes, while I love people, socializing drains me. Yes, if we are discussing something about which I have a strong point of view, I will talk your ear off; but generally, if we’ve never met, I major in listening. Yes, I know how to flirt but feel fraudulent doing it. Yes, parties of more than eight or so people inspire some dread, no matter how delightful the hosts and guests. Yes, I have an active imagination and a well-populated inner life. No, I don’t get anxious when I am without Saturday night plans; I get relieved. My second-favorite Saturday night date is a great book; my all-time favorite is one good friend.
So imagine my delight on discovering Susan Cain’s Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking (available here), Ms. Cain is an introvert evangelist, the smart, formerly silent girl in the back of the classroom who has finally started raising her hand.
One of Cain’s most interesting hypotheses is that introverts often go through their lives acting like extroverts because our culture rewards outward-directed behavior. Cain, echoing noted social scientists like Arlie Russell Hochschild (whose landmark book, The Managed Heart, is worth a read if this topic interests you) call this kind of masquerade “emotional labor,” and anyone who has worked as a teenager in a summer job that sucks, knows the feeling. Smiling through whatever, because it feels like you must. It takes a toll, in self-awareness, energy and authenticity. And like everything else that affects your personal life, acting extroverted at the expense of your true nature can leave you feeling chronically drained and unacknowledged at work, too. Understanding how you are wired, on the other hand, can help your life and career flow much more smoothly. Here are a few tips from outside the closet:
1. Knowledge is power: Consider working with a coach or other certified professional and take the real Myers-Briggs test. (More information is here). Not only will you get your results, a professional can help you interpret them and strategize how to play to your strengths.
2. Find community: If you suspect or discover you play on our team, check out Susan Cain's TED talk. At more than two million page views, she’s obviously struck a chord with a lot of people.
3. Focus on the positive: For every perceived cool point that introverts lose to extroverts, there’s a quiet advantage. Cain cites research that suggests that introverts, or introverted work styles, are more creative, less “reward-sensitive,” (and therefore less likely to cut corners to achieve said rewards); and better at “…delaying gratification, a crucial life skill associated with everything from higher SAT scores and income to lower body mass index.”
4. Give up the guilt: Coming out as a confirmed introvert for me means that a closed office door, working on small teams or alone, working at home and/or spending lots of time by myself no longer feel illicit. They feel valid and necessary, and my work product is better.
5. Don’t let any single word, test or idea define you: Sure you may be an introvert, but you’ll have your extroverted moments, too. We’re all a kaleidoscope of traits, emotions and characteristics—life and work are more fun when we appreciate all the colors.
Via Flickr:
More Empty roads in Arizona
So imagine my delight on discovering Susan Cain’s Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking (available here), Ms. Cain is an introvert evangelist, the smart, formerly silent girl in the back of the classroom who has finally started raising her hand.
One of Cain’s most interesting hypotheses is that introverts often go through their lives acting like extroverts because our culture rewards outward-directed behavior. Cain, echoing noted social scientists like Arlie Russell Hochschild (whose landmark book, The Managed Heart, is worth a read if this topic interests you) call this kind of masquerade “emotional labor,” and anyone who has worked as a teenager in a summer job that sucks, knows the feeling. Smiling through whatever, because it feels like you must. It takes a toll, in self-awareness, energy and authenticity. And like everything else that affects your personal life, acting extroverted at the expense of your true nature can leave you feeling chronically drained and unacknowledged at work, too. Understanding how you are wired, on the other hand, can help your life and career flow much more smoothly. Here are a few tips from outside the closet:
1. Knowledge is power: Consider working with a coach or other certified professional and take the real Myers-Briggs test. (More information is here). Not only will you get your results, a professional can help you interpret them and strategize how to play to your strengths.
2. Find community: If you suspect or discover you play on our team, check out Susan Cain's TED talk. At more than two million page views, she’s obviously struck a chord with a lot of people.
3. Focus on the positive: For every perceived cool point that introverts lose to extroverts, there’s a quiet advantage. Cain cites research that suggests that introverts, or introverted work styles, are more creative, less “reward-sensitive,” (and therefore less likely to cut corners to achieve said rewards); and better at “…delaying gratification, a crucial life skill associated with everything from higher SAT scores and income to lower body mass index.”
4. Give up the guilt: Coming out as a confirmed introvert for me means that a closed office door, working on small teams or alone, working at home and/or spending lots of time by myself no longer feel illicit. They feel valid and necessary, and my work product is better.
5. Don’t let any single word, test or idea define you: Sure you may be an introvert, but you’ll have your extroverted moments, too. We’re all a kaleidoscope of traits, emotions and characteristics—life and work are more fun when we appreciate all the colors.
Via Flickr:
More Empty roads in Arizona
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Working Out the Kinks: Five Do’s and Don’ts for Natural Hair at the Office
I was seven years old when I got my first relaxer. There’s a photo somewhere, of me at the salon, post-process. Smiling, with two big shiny ponytails. What the picture doesn’t show is how much it hurt. I distinctly remember my scalp tingling from the chemicals, but even then, a one-time chemical burn was preferable to regular, painful comb-outs. (Even though my mother was super gentle, it was a traumatic experience for both of us). I wanted hair that moved, like the blond and brunette girls I went to grade school with. Relaxer made that possible, and I would continue on the creamy crack for the next quarter century.
Somewhere in my early 30s, something in me started to rebel. I remember writing in a journal that I wanted to be relaxed in my soul, not on my scalp. This growing discomfort (and boredom) with my relaxed hair, along with a burgeoning curiosity about what my real hair actually looked like under there, eventually won out. I stopped relaxing and got twist extensions for the transition. It was a little crazy; trust me, extra hair is the last thing I needed, but it was convenient and looked polished enough for me to earn a paycheck from my corporate clients while I plumbed the depths of my sprit and follicles. Adios, neck burns from curling irons; sayonara, scalp burns from relaxer; au revoir, fear of rain and humidity! It was wonderful.
Well, sort of. That “transition” lasted 11 years (and only heaven knows how many thousands of dollars to purchase someone else’s hair and have it attached to my own), until, on a sabbatical from corporate America, I finally had the time and opportunity to experiment with going bareback, all natural, without extensions, for the first time since I got that first relaxer. Naked, is how it all felt. I spent the requisite time on You Tube communing with the kinky nation, the legions of gorgeous women of color letting the truth of their hair set them free. It took me about 3 months to decipher and decompress from the information overload (the online discourse of the natural hair community, though generally well-meaning, can get a little dogmatic and fixated), get to know my own hair and the products and techniques that work for it.
The emotional part was also a quiet revolution that had been happening all along. It turns out naked felt great after a brief adjustment period. I wasn’t hiding anything anymore. And it’s true, going natural can be a lovely act of self-acceptance. I was amazed at how fun, versatile and manageable my hair really is, after a lifetime of believing it was difficult and unattractive, but secretly suspecting it might not be so “bad,” after all. And products have truly evolved since the ‘70s; no one needs to be afraid of their curl pattern anymore. As for reactions from others, when anyone noticed a difference at all (people really don’t pay that much attention or care as much as one might think) reactions have been almost 100% positive, including at work, where, let’s face it, image counts for a lot.
So how do you let it all hang out while hanging onto your image and career? It helps tremendously that the zeitgeist is on our side now. Here are a few things I’ve learned along the way:
1. Do understand the risks: Just like everyone’s not going to like you, everyone’s not going to like your hair, either, no matter what it looks like. Always keep in mind the culture you’re operating in. Once, in the elevator at work, a stranger asked me, with her face scrunched up, “How do you wash it?” That was the question I got most often when I had twist extensions, and was really the only negative feedback that came my way (at least directly). Sure, some folks are genuinely curious, but we all know that this kind of question usually counts as what we black folks call “signifyin,’” in this case that twisted or locked styles are unclean. The answer is that you wash it with shampoo and water, very much like you would otherwise. Said with just the right amount of matter-of-fact indifference, it both educates and chastens the asker without hostility.
2. Don’t be too conscious of it: If your style is super-big or fussy, your natural hair can overshadow your image and your message. Beautifully matter-of-fact, in both style and attitude, is the right idea. It’s just what’s on your head, not the entirety of you. If you accept it as a given, everyone else is more likely to do so as well.
3. Do get your hair groomed professionally regularly: The online natural hair community is very pro-DIY, but professional women can really benefit from professional grooming whenever possible, including natural hair maintenance. My stylist, who specializes in natural hair, has saved me hours of heartache and hundreds of dollars of hair product experiments gone awry with her years of experience and wisdom.
4. Don’t judge other women’s hair decisions: I don’t have to tell you that there’s no right or wrong when it comes to hair, right? Live and let live.
5. Do let your natural hair be a badge of your confidence: Rock it the right way (see above) and natural hair can be a sign of style, authenticity and gravitas, a quiet statement of confidence in who you are and what you’re capable of. That’s the definition of good hair.
Photo Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/badgrannies-goodies/5206203963/
Somewhere in my early 30s, something in me started to rebel. I remember writing in a journal that I wanted to be relaxed in my soul, not on my scalp. This growing discomfort (and boredom) with my relaxed hair, along with a burgeoning curiosity about what my real hair actually looked like under there, eventually won out. I stopped relaxing and got twist extensions for the transition. It was a little crazy; trust me, extra hair is the last thing I needed, but it was convenient and looked polished enough for me to earn a paycheck from my corporate clients while I plumbed the depths of my sprit and follicles. Adios, neck burns from curling irons; sayonara, scalp burns from relaxer; au revoir, fear of rain and humidity! It was wonderful.
Well, sort of. That “transition” lasted 11 years (and only heaven knows how many thousands of dollars to purchase someone else’s hair and have it attached to my own), until, on a sabbatical from corporate America, I finally had the time and opportunity to experiment with going bareback, all natural, without extensions, for the first time since I got that first relaxer. Naked, is how it all felt. I spent the requisite time on You Tube communing with the kinky nation, the legions of gorgeous women of color letting the truth of their hair set them free. It took me about 3 months to decipher and decompress from the information overload (the online discourse of the natural hair community, though generally well-meaning, can get a little dogmatic and fixated), get to know my own hair and the products and techniques that work for it.
The emotional part was also a quiet revolution that had been happening all along. It turns out naked felt great after a brief adjustment period. I wasn’t hiding anything anymore. And it’s true, going natural can be a lovely act of self-acceptance. I was amazed at how fun, versatile and manageable my hair really is, after a lifetime of believing it was difficult and unattractive, but secretly suspecting it might not be so “bad,” after all. And products have truly evolved since the ‘70s; no one needs to be afraid of their curl pattern anymore. As for reactions from others, when anyone noticed a difference at all (people really don’t pay that much attention or care as much as one might think) reactions have been almost 100% positive, including at work, where, let’s face it, image counts for a lot.
So how do you let it all hang out while hanging onto your image and career? It helps tremendously that the zeitgeist is on our side now. Here are a few things I’ve learned along the way:
1. Do understand the risks: Just like everyone’s not going to like you, everyone’s not going to like your hair, either, no matter what it looks like. Always keep in mind the culture you’re operating in. Once, in the elevator at work, a stranger asked me, with her face scrunched up, “How do you wash it?” That was the question I got most often when I had twist extensions, and was really the only negative feedback that came my way (at least directly). Sure, some folks are genuinely curious, but we all know that this kind of question usually counts as what we black folks call “signifyin,’” in this case that twisted or locked styles are unclean. The answer is that you wash it with shampoo and water, very much like you would otherwise. Said with just the right amount of matter-of-fact indifference, it both educates and chastens the asker without hostility.
2. Don’t be too conscious of it: If your style is super-big or fussy, your natural hair can overshadow your image and your message. Beautifully matter-of-fact, in both style and attitude, is the right idea. It’s just what’s on your head, not the entirety of you. If you accept it as a given, everyone else is more likely to do so as well.
3. Do get your hair groomed professionally regularly: The online natural hair community is very pro-DIY, but professional women can really benefit from professional grooming whenever possible, including natural hair maintenance. My stylist, who specializes in natural hair, has saved me hours of heartache and hundreds of dollars of hair product experiments gone awry with her years of experience and wisdom.
4. Don’t judge other women’s hair decisions: I don’t have to tell you that there’s no right or wrong when it comes to hair, right? Live and let live.
5. Do let your natural hair be a badge of your confidence: Rock it the right way (see above) and natural hair can be a sign of style, authenticity and gravitas, a quiet statement of confidence in who you are and what you’re capable of. That’s the definition of good hair.
Photo Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/badgrannies-goodies/5206203963/
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